On February 16th (5:12 p.m.) I became a dad. My wife Kelly (she did all the work) delivered a healthy baby boy we named Dylan, giving us both each an all access pass to the Spit Up & Dirty Diaper Clean Up Club. As messy as being a parent is we’re both loving it so far, no complaints. Granted, we’re tired and exhausted with the little guy’s current schedule, but I think our experience touring has prepared us for the whole sleep deprivation thing. We’ve spent countless hours driving from one show to the next with little rest. Ten hour drive days, performing a show that evening, five more hours on the road afterward, spending the night in a Wal-Mart parking lot, sleeping in the back of the van, oh yes, we have lived a glamorous life. But really, that same “on the go” mindset is the same with a newborn, it’s a marathon cycle. Instead of “drive, play, eat, drive, sleep, drive” it’s “feed, burp, change, swaddle, clean, sleep, feed.” Not to make it sound easy or anything, of course it’s really not. But, like being on the road, we are embracing every moment and consider ourselves lucky to have the life we do.
So new baby, new music, it’s definitely been a transitional year for us… well, make that two years. Toward the end of 2010 Kelly and I made some heavy decisions. They were the kind of decisions some might refer to as “crazy ass,” but we like to think of it more so as plain commitment to living out our dreams. Having spent so much time on the road, having spent all our time, money, and effort on our making music a career, we thought it was time to literally put everything on the line to get us to that next level we’re always striving for. So, we put our house up for sale, sold almost all our belongings (furniture, the tv, the baby grand, our cherished van, etc.), and bought a RV to live and travel in. We figured we usually spent 8 months of the year on the road anyway, we’d just be simplifying things anyway! Plus, it would only be an upgrade from the van, you now, having a real bed and all. The plan was to just live that way for the next two years, rough it, save some money, and hope the crazy risk combined with our usual work hard/ can do attitude, that fate would pull us toward the next big break. That’s basically how it has always worked for us… “Let’s decide to do this major thing right now and we’ll figure everything else out later.”
Well, due to the poor housing market we were unable to sell our house. We did, however, manage to rent it out on a year lease. In fact, if you want the whole sell/rent story, HGTV filmed it all for an episode of My First Sale, keep an eye out for a re-run. Fast forward to living in the RV. We really enjoyed it and it’s a time in our life together I don’ think we’ll ever forget. We found ourselves in some beautiful weather and scenery, it was my first time to actually really see the stars at night in an open sky. Unfortunately, on the other hand we spent most of the tour up North during the coldest parts of winter. Most RV parks were closed for the season so it was really hard to stay at many other places than our trusted Wal-Mart parking lot. One night we were even stuck in negative 20 degree weather. It was so cold the condensation on the windows began to freeze INSIDE the RV. Yep, we could have died, but hey, I had a show to get to.
I don’t know what it was exactly, maybe the fact that we both grew up and live in nice warm Texas, but as the weather progressively got colder on the tour Kelly and I became more and more depressed. We felt shut in, couldn’t really go outside or open the windows. Basically, we couldn’t enjoy our new little home on wheels the way we had envisioned. Maybe it was just the wrong tour schedule for that kind of lifestyle. Either way, nine months into the RV excursion we found ourselves flat burned out. Not from each other, not from our job, but from putting everything on the line time and time again and finally feeling stuck. We aren’t the kind of people to doubt ourselves and our abilities, but we hit a wall for the first time and didn’t feel like we were really moving forward anymore. Still, more tour dates remained. We decided Kelly would go back home to Texas and recoup. I would finish out the shows myself and figured what with all that depression filling the air there would be no better time to write some new songs in complete solitude. This would be the longest time we spent apart since we started living together in 2005 and we hated it. We were more miserable separated than we were in the cold, at least we had each other in the RV.
So, there I was alone, wrapping up the tour. I had a few days off to find a RV park and the only one I could find was completely out in Middle-o-Nowhere, Vermont. Driving there I got lost for three hours on small dirt filled back roads completely unsuitable for 33 foot RVs. When I finally found the park I discovered not only was I by myself, but the place had not turned on their water yet, there was no TV hook up, no internet, and no cell phone reception. Actually, in order to get any cell signal I had to mark a specific spot in a dirt road outside and stand there every time I called somebody. It was way more isolation than I expected and it’s ironic, but, having absolutely no distractions was a big distraction, I couldn’t even focus on writing most of the time.
Eventually my brain worked its way around to the thought of having a children someday. Kelly and I talked about it quite a few times. In fact, we always planned to name our son James (which ended up being his middle name). But, the thought inspired me to write, and within an hour I wrote a song called “Lullaby for James.” I honestly didn’t think we would be having a baby this year, let alone specifically a boy, but, I can’t help but feel that writing the song helped summon the little guy who is sleeping in the swing across from me right now as I write this.
I’m always trying to put the pieces together, figure out why things happen the way they do. I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Maybe I’m just optimistic that things will always work out so long as you do your best. Sometimes you shoot for a specific goal and find yourself at a different conclusion than you set out for. Maybe you don’t recognize it at the time, but it’s actually taking you down a better path than you were on. I like to think maybe we had to take that RV trip so we could have one more adventure as Brad & Kelly before our little unit grew. Maybe we weren’t able to sell our house because coming back to it gave us a second chance to enjoy home life for a bit, and to give us a place to raise our baby boy.
As far as being a dad goes… throughout my life I’ve seen other guitarists and thought “I could never play guitar that well.” I’ve heard plenty of songs and thought “I could never write a song that good.” But, I’ve never seen another parent and thought “I could never be that good of a dad.” In fact, I always knew I’d be a great dad, if not the best dad, so I guess my time has come. Still, it’s absolutely nothing like I expected, and I don’t think you truly know or understand the feeling until you have a child to call your own. All I know is that all the years I’ve spent chasing after “the next big thing” with Kelly, it all seems so irrelevant now. Sure, we’ll keep going after those dreams and I’ll always keep making music, I don’t think we’ll ever stop the pursuit. But, that overwhelming pressure to feel like we have to do something huge and impress people we don’t know is gone. Having Dylan, we’ve accomplished something much bigger and more important.